I had a dream about guillotine…

Mood: pensive

Best thing of the day: The Soup (I made Mum’s “power soup”. I expect the cold to clear up soon… 🙂 ) and The Song, described in previous post

Google searches: Can you freeze stock (turns out you can)

I didn’t mean to write tonight (that’s why the quick morning post). But it feels like I had to. Because I really did dream about being beheaded. I woke up with such a clear feeling that I didn’t even write it down, convinced that the image would stay with me forever. It didn’t – I tend to not remember dreams. Makes me wonder whether I’m repressed.

What I do remember is that I was listening to two teachers discussing cutting my head off to make an example of sorts. I was both the student and one of the teachers. They (I) mentioned separating the head from the body so that I wouldn’t reassemble, like a vampire. When it happened, I remember hanging around the classroom and chatting to the teacher/executioner; being lonely enough to stay there, in a bizarre version of post-death Stockholm Syndrome.

The dream feels very literal. I’ve long struggled with feeling disembodied, and the less disembodied I am, the more empowered I become. This is not to dismiss intellectual power; I have nevertheless found that all these thoughts I have are not being expressed or acted upon when I don’t feel like I have a body. I can’t embody my thoughts if I don’t have one, after all.

The dream scared me and I woke up shivering. It had a deja vu aspect, like I had dreamt it before. Maybe I have. My partner and I often talk about being “in the head” – an expression often used in improvised theatre to indicate that you’re cut off from your instincts, stuck in self-consciousness. It is remarkably apt. Being “in the head” is a perspective, and the world you see is the world you act upon (or fail to). Living a life cut off from your needs, instincts, feelings and experiences produces a false vision – it constructs an alternative reality. Reality for your head to dwell in, for your body to withstand.

I remember Ken Robinson’s first TED Talk, in which he mentions that “we educate children from the waist up; and then we focus on their heads – and slightly to one side”. It is such a good reflection of reality. Education is just one, if major, reason why some people pop-out of their bodies, like a limb, subject to blunt trauma, pops out of a joint. There are many reasons. When you live trauma, sometimes you take a holiday from your feelings, like an out of body experience – it can be unaided or helped by medication, alcohol, drugs, internet… . Many people live in that permanent state of out-of-body-experience. They don’t know anything else.

I feel so lucky. Despite my out-of-body-experiences, I always had dance. Singing. And in the end, I can always go back to the body. As I’m doing now… .

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