Midnight Rant On Internet Habits

It’s quarter to midnight as I write this. I already wrote a nice, quick, inoffensive blogpost, a literary landscape with cake – a throwaway moment in time that helped me deal with my huge appetite for today, in context of my tiredness and need for rest. I keep thinking though. That’s the thing with me; I can’t stop thinking.

Today wouldn’t quite have gone the way it did if I had no Internet. That’s just a fact. Yes, I was overwhelmed because I wanted to do a lot of things, but I would have likely done more of them if distraction wasn’t so readily available. We often talk about access, accessibility – and Internet breaks a lot of barriers for everybody. We no longer have to contend with gatekeepers of knowledge, a lot of it is free for the taking. That IS wonderful, but we have new problems now. The overabundance of information – truthful and false – is one of them. But what really concerns me is the ready availability of online content that is emotive and stirring. When I read articles that activate both thought and emotion, when I read Facebook updates, I feel connected to… something, shaken, moved sometimes. But I have very little control over what I’m going to encounter and weirdly, it’s the easiest thing to access of all the available Things.

I’m not explaining this right. I am a fan of Internet, if one can say such a thing; I certainly don’t expect to stop using it permanently, we’re on my blog over here. But often I have to get offline to realise that I’m relatively isolated; that I haven’t reached out to friends; that I have too many encounters of the purely online kind. Add to this the fact that easily digestible emotional experiences are a click away, and I begin to feel like a rat in an experiment cage, pressing the button for cocaine. Sure, we don’t stop living – we cook and clean and go to work and perform all the productive functions – but I feel that my quality of life suffers without disconnecting from it at least a little bit.

I used to live in a house that had no WiFi – I had no data on my old school phone at the time – and remember experiencing it as a welcome relief. Like, I had to go to a cafe or library to go online, and that would switch me in the work mode. I remember being so relaxed. And sure, when I go vaguely offline nowadays, I let myself look things up – my offline discipline does NOT extend to recipes – but at least I’m grounded in the present, making stuff with my hands. Don’t get me wrong: I love being connected to the web, finding friends and common interests, but I also feel… dried out and stretched and imbalanced when I’m in there for a long time. Perhaps that is why I consciously sought out employment that doesn’t require a lot of online activity?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I experience a pull to use my online experience more consciously. That’s how this blog started: as a private call to action, to create a writing habit and put my words into the world, instead of steadily inhaling someone else’s. Perhaps using Internet sparingly is the answer here, the answer in which I will fail a hundred times, because a month’s long experiment is like a diet, and what I’m after is a lifestyle change: a permanent solution, not a yo-yo effect. And for this, a cutesy cake post, much as it is relatable and descriptive, doesn’t quite cut it. I’m asking myself this: why do you write? Who do you write for? I’ve yet to find the answers.


Safe! and other stories

Google searches: best laptops of 2014

Mood: tense, but positive (just keep breathing)

Theme song: “Under Pressure”

Putting the show together is going great. Procrastination to work ratio getting better. Have an amazing director who keeps my head from exploding, and a great boyfriend who takes care of the music.

Pressure! I love pressure. I’m best under pressure. Although right now, I feel fear. Can’t see forest for the trees.

Just found this on Mo’Nique’s Twitter: False Evidence Appearing Real. I like it. When fearful, I can’t put pictures together, even though I’m best at connecting things – pictures, thoughts, notes, people…. Can’t join dots. But I think I’ve done my bit of fear. Now I can do my bit of work. Sunday (= showtime) cometh…. 🙂

Fear of Flying

Google searches: too many

Mood: up and down, out in space, all over the place

Diagnosis: fear of success

You’d think that I wouldn’t be afraid of good things. You’d be wrong.

Good things are new things. New things, in certain mindsets, are to be feared.

Today started fantastically. We corrected another song. It was a glorious feeling. The happiness had me jumping up and down. I also received my tax return – not a huge sum of money objectively, but more than I’ve had in a bit.

And then I didn’t leave the house and struggled with getting to work. It used to happen more. I’m grateful that it doesn’t.

I do want more control over my fate, more discipline and creative freedom. The fears resurface every once in a while. Rarely now. I have my bf’s constant support, which helps a lot. I have mentors and friends. And so…

… back to the regularly scheduled broadcast! A blogpost. A late one, maybe too late to be read properly. But there was no blogpost yesterday (sorry readers 🙂 needed internet holiday, and I wrote two the day before). My goals for this blog were to write every day and understand how to promote myself. Well, I can hardly post a link every single day – even the most devoted friends would tire of this. I am giving myself a month or so. Just to write every day. To find my voice, find my feet. Create a habit and discipline. Just so that whatever happens, I know I have this.

If you’ve read this far, I am grateful for you. If you haven’t, I am grateful for writing itself. 🙂

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