Stress Is Sneaky

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Mood: shaky

Stress levels: 7/10

So I forgot that stress is sneaky.

Your garden variety stress – I can handle. I’m getting better at it. I notice the tension and release, manage and self-manage. I meditate. I exercise. I eat sensibly and get enough sleep.

And then there is the sneaky type.

Sneaky type doesn’t let you just acknowledge its existence and move on with your own. It gets in the way. It stands in the middle of the road and gives you the finger. It makes a general nuisance of itself until there is straightforward consistent targeted action and even then it doesn’t go away, preferring to jeer from the sidelines.

This is the kind of stress that I have for acting. Even more so for acting my own writing. Even more so for acting my own writing in front of my mentor, whose opinion I value very highly, and my peers, whose opinion etc.

It comes to the point when I have to remind my white-faced, tense self that I actually like doing this. It is so terrifying that, if I didn’t trap myself (have a deadline; get friends and family to rehearse with you, so you have no choice), if I didn’t make myself, I would not have rehearsed. I am struggling as is.

You know what? This is wonderful.

All the struggle I go through is wonderful. Every step on that road gets me closer to the time when I don’t fear it as much. Every moment of fear I struggle through towards my goal will help me. Every second of tension carries the promise of future release.

There are things you do, because you’re no good and need to get better. There are things you do, because you’re naturally good and they give you satisfaction. There are things you have to do, regardless. There are things that are necessary.

This is. And so, I struggle on.

Quick note on fear

Today a thought popped into my mind, uninvited: that I will never amount to anything, because I have too much fear.

After hearing that, loud and clear in my head, I backed up and wondered: do I really think in this way?

I am a heroine of my story. All the greatest heroes are terrified, but they go on. All successful people struggle and persevere.

I must go on. Fear or not. Fear is not a choice: subverting it – is.

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