self-esteem and self-respect

Mood: trembling, about to explode, but weirdly calm, too

Keyword: energy

Google searches: All About Social Media

You know how we’re our own harshest judge?

If you decide that you’re not ready… if you decide you’re not good enough… that judgement is the only valid one in your life.

If you don’t DO THE WORK YOU KNOW YOU HAVE IN YOU, you lose out – not only on the power of self-esteem, but also… on self-respect.

You’re the one who lies awake thinking: could’ve, would’ve, should’ve.

So what do you really want?

… And that’s something I am now asking myself, asking myself, asking myself some more. Because if I don’t know, I can’t go and get it.


The Importance of Being (Un) Seen

Mood: thoughtful

Google searches: Maldoror Diplomatic Relations (fav fanfic)

Stress: as close to none as I know.

Today, I ruminate on being seen.

As humans, we place enormous importance on it. Being seen and judged positively against the norms of society is crucially important; even more importantly, we want to connect to one another and be witnessed. Having relationships, being vulnerable with others – all that constructs a realm, beyond which emotional poverty becomes a threat. To not be seen equals loneliness, something that we try to combat at all times, and indeed, we are likely seen at almost all times.

I’ve been re-reading Michael Foley’s Age of Absurdity, which I mentioned in my library note. He argues that our ubiquitous connectedness robs us of ability to be present within ourselves. He therefore champions for nourishment of the Secret Self: alone time, spent without devices, in meditation, rumination, exercise.

So much of it rings true. Time alone isn’t time alone if Facebook is involved. The rush of being connected via social media may turn out to be premature: we’re connected to many people at once, but how many of these connections enable true vulnerability, baring of souls? And of course, we need to cultivate souls – secret selves – to bare, first.

Social media have their place. We have the power to choose how to share ourselves with others. But I firmly believe in occasional holidays from being seen. As an artist, I have a strong need to share myself with others, but to do that, I need that Secret Self, as opposed (or in addition) to a selfie. 🙂

Quick note on fear

Today a thought popped into my mind, uninvited: that I will never amount to anything, because I have too much fear.

After hearing that, loud and clear in my head, I backed up and wondered: do I really think in this way?

I am a heroine of my story. All the greatest heroes are terrified, but they go on. All successful people struggle and persevere.

I must go on. Fear or not. Fear is not a choice: subverting it – is.

Who you are and who you want to be

“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”

I found that gem yesterday on zen proverbs. It really made me think. You see, I’m a dreamer and I imagine myself in a variety of situations. When I get there – and I do get there – it’s often nothing like I imagined it to be. Are my dreams useless? Are they pointless?

No, and no. They’re pointers. They’re a 2D picture that doesn’t prepare me for 3D. My current self can’t quite imagine my full, multi-faceted future self. We are not simple, linear beings. We spin on a dime. We are influenced by our thoughts, environment, response patterns…. (essentially, thoughts; the rest is decoration). Recently I heard from my lover: “Who you are is so much more interesting than who you want to be”.

Even though I want to rebel – I want what I want for a reason, and I invested a lot of energy into these images – I also know that he is right.

Changing the subject, I am now in Eastbourne. Seeing as we didn’t find time to make Valentine’s Day plans, going to work today I said to K. – Pick me up 6:30 in Twickenham and let’s go somewhere. Outside of London. Anywhere. – Then I forgot my phone (not on purpose) to make life more interesting. Now we are indeed Away From London. Hotel is opposite a contemporary art museum and a theatre. I am going to enjoy this! Talk to you later…. 🙂

#Breaking: Lucky People Are Lucky

Google searches: offline for most of the day

General mood: shattered, sulky, elated

Count of creative arguments: lost

Song ready to be sent in for deadline: 1 (thankfully, they only requested one!)


Project proceeding apace. Meanwhile, I’m wondering about being lucky. Because I am – I feel very lucky. I’d say incredibly blessed, if I didn’t fear being judged for over-spirituality. And then I’d still say that.

Noticing the countless ways of being lucky is a skill. One it behooves you to practice. Lucky people are only lucky because they practice the lucky muscle. (Shut up, you know what I mean).

I’m too tired for this. Gotta catch some sleep. See you on the other side of dawn. I’ll be dreaming of dogs (music partner currently adding dog barking as a sound effect to newest song. How is this my life… #lifesurprises )

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